The First Inter-Galactic War

Prateek Dhar

Humans (homo sapiens) had achieved the technology to contact extraterrestrial beings and the learned scientists who designed this project were ready. After the grand inauguration ceremony, all they had to do was to just push the button.

Easier said than done.

There was a 5 hour long delay, because the Chief Guest was stuck in traffic. And as soon as he arrived, the power went out for 2 hours. And it took another hour for the code to reload again. Oh! And also, the ribbon cutting ceremony took an additional half an hour. As we can imagine, the learned scientists were fast asleep and they had to be woken up too.

The radio signals worked on Morse code which was a very convenient way of sending signals to extraterrestrial life. Now to the interesting part.

The trouble was that an incomplete signal was sent to the aliens due to a technical issue.

Oh, no! We sent “HI FIENDS!” instead of “HI FRIENDS!”

Oops!

‘Fiend’ means a demon, or an evil spirit. Now, our aliens were excellent in English and they went crazy at the overture.

Our aliens, who called themselves Crystals were upset, expectedly. And that is how the very first and hopefully last inter-galactic war started. The Crystals, whose population was the same as a football team, decided to send a spy to Earth.

There is a very common myth that extraterrestrial beings use spaceships. But they actually own teleportation devices. The Crystals are twice our size and not invisible. So they have to be inside the teleporter all the time while spying.

Now, where did I get all this information from? It was not like the aliens personally came to invade and conquer Earth. Which means, the spy was spotted!

By whom? Well, the Chief Guest saw the extraterrestrial while out on a walk. He said that the alien was twice his size and wore a cloth which was marked as #11CRYSTAL. The Chief Guest went into a coma for a week.

Meanwhile, the denizens of Crystal decided that the humans are a bad species and they have to be eliminated. They gave their Captain the signal to launch the most powerful weapon that they had. Now, the spy returned and the Crystals were all ready for the launch! All they had to do was to press the button that was powerful enough for the planet to explode! They consulted the astrologer who said that the best time to launch would be the very next day.

In the meantime, the humans found out about this plan by intercepting various radio signals between Crystals and the spy and immediately launched their message of peace which worked fine this time. The Crystals had already sent their weapon about 30 seconds before the message arrived. By that time the weapon had already reached the Great Bear constellation and humans couldn’t do anything about it.

The Crystals were drinking tea because they really didn’t care about the humans. They trusted their spy more than the humans, which is understandable. But the humans did their calculations and figured out that the weapon would hit Jupiter, so they were also drinking their tea.

So now, there were two planets whose inhabitants were fighting each other while sipping tea.

The question is…

What is 2+2?

Just kidding.

The question is…

Who will win?

Our learned scientists, who were mentioned at the very beginning decided that they would fly in a spaceship all the way to the Crystal’s planet.

They stopped at the moon to take a half-hour of rest when the Crystal’s weapon attacked the moon at high velocity. As we know, the universe is shaped like a sphere which means that after lots of bouncing around, the spaceship arrived at the Crystal’s planet. Meanwhile, the humans were not very unhappy as they figured out that the only thing that would happen was that there would not be any light at night-time and no tides.

And then there were things like earth not rotating anymore because there wasn’t any magnetic field. So now half of the world was exposed to the sun’s deadly rays at 300 degree celsius while the other half was freezing to death. I still cannot decide which is more pleasurable.

When our learned scientists found out, through cameras, they decided to launch a deadly weapon at the Crystals’ home planet. The Crystals, who were happily drinking tea since they came to know about human extinction, found out that there was a spaceship hurtling towards their planet.

“Oh no!” said the Crystals and the tea cups slipped from their hands and the tea landed on their body.

“That was extremely expensive Darjeeling tea imported from earth!” the Captain exclaimed agitatedly.

So they decided to destroy the spaceship – the very usual diplomatic approach to problems.

Except the power supply went off. So they couldn’t launch a missile towards the spaceship. That was bad for them.

Ha!Ha! Shouted the human scientists in glee.

“Noooooooooo!” shouted the Crystals. And then there was a collision that killed both species for good. Yippee! Hurrah!

And that was the very first inter-galactic war. And it ended in a draw.